Jack Warner Quits FIFA, Case Closed

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Written By Chris Azzopardi

Embattled CONCACAF megalomaniac and FIFA Vice President Jack Warner resigned yesterday, to the disappointment of Calypso lovers everywhere. Soccer fans, on the other hand, could be forgiven for cracking open a bottle of the good stuff in celebration.

That is, until they discovered that due to his resignation, FIFA decided that they no longer had jurisdiction over him, dropped their bribery investigation, and declared that he maintained a “presumption of innocence” despite eyewitnesses claiming he attempted to bribe them and pictures of stacks of cash attesting to the contrary. FIFA can now wash its hands of Warner and go back to re-electing Sepp Blatter with no opposition.

On the bright side, Bill Archer reports that this could kill Warner’s political career and send him to the clink for currency smuggling.

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