Jose Mourinho Pokes Barca Assistant In The Eye, Is Definitely Under The Control Of A Mustachioed Telepath

Photo of author
Written By Chris Azzopardi

Just when you thought El Clasico couldn’t get more bizarre, more tawdry, more filled with majestical Messi-an magic, more deliciously vitriolic, this year’s Supercopa happened. Barcelona won the deciding leg last night 3-2. Messi bagged a brace. Marcelo hacked down Cesc. Etc., etc. Now to the good stuff.

In the waning minutes of the game, as a result of that aforementioned Marcelo hack job on Cesc Fabregas (which happened to occur on the sideline directly between the benches), the two teams came together. It wasn’t quite a brawl, but it wasn’t quite handbags either. And it had this:

Yes, that’s Jose Mourinho putting his finger into the eye of Barcelona assistant Tito Vilanova. Jose POKED HIM IN THE EYE. Deliberately. And he picked Vilanova out and made a beeline for the Barca coach. This was no crime of opportunity.

Clearly, the unnervingly calm mustachioed individual standing behind the action has taken control of Mourinho’s mind. Yes, Jose is a slightly mad narcissist with a inclination for melodrama and all the histrionics of a pantomime villain. But eye-gouging Barca assistants? It’s like Jose has been transformed into a 12-year old boy by the machinations of that sleepy-eyed figure in the background. What’s next? Wet willies, noogies and nipple-twisters?

Probably. Because the Mustachioed Man commands it. Jose is but a puppet.

Earlier in the match, Jose began his juvenile escapades with this move, the “You Stink” routine:

He might as well have said “Nanny nanny boo boo, stick your head in doo doo”…to the best player in the world.

There are so many other details worth mentioning here it’s difficult to know what to include. Yeah, yeah, Messi is great and you should definitely look for highlights (Leo’s second goal in particular…ca-wowza). But really, this is better than any theatrical production you could ever hope to see. Who needs Game of Thrones when we’ve got our own epic war for supremacy right here in the real world?

Note Jose making kissy faces as he leaves the scene of the eye-gouge crime in the video at the top. Hilariously juvenile, like the kid who sticks his tongue out at you when the adults aren’t looking and he knows you can’t come after him.

After the game, Mourinho claimed HE DIDN’T KNOW WHO TITO VILANOVA WAS. Only a child lies that baldly when caught being naughty red-headed. You did it, Jose, you know you did it, so just admit you did it. STOP LOOKING AT THE MUSTACHIOED MAN FOR INSTRUCTIONS.

Kaka appears to be the only involved with any sense, though he may have just been avoiding the range of the Mustachioed Man’s mind control powers, having seen what Jose has been reduced to.

And to think…there are still 612 more Clasicos to go, if last season is any indication, and this one was just for a pre-season trophy. By the end, who knows what the Mustachioed Man may have Jose doing. The possibilities are virtually endless.

Leave a Comment