No, shut up. It isn’t an Everton v. Fulham FA Cup tie, it’s the Landon Timothy Donovan v. Clinton Drew Dempsey game, and this is our bold prediction for how it’s all going to play out.
Pregame: The crowd nearly has a collective heart attack as a squadron of F-16 fighter jets scream overhead. One man shakes his fist angrily at the airplanes and yells something that sounds like “Yankee scum.” It’s unclear how Donovan and Dempsey will be affected by the slur. Tim Howard is too busy mouthing the word “borange” to notice.
3rd minute: All of the Americans watching back home on television explode into red, white, and blue confetti.
14th minute: Tim Howard scores.
23rd minute: Dempsey scores after having blown by Donovan on a long run from midfield. He pantomimes drinking a beer – a Shiner Bock or something – and stares icily at Donovan.
38th minute: Landon Donovan scores on a counter-attack. A bald eagle descends from the sky to perch on his shoulder.
40th minute: Dempsey fouls Donovan in midfield. Eric Wynalda starts clapping his hands and squealing with delight.
Halftime: JP Dellcamera mentioned Dempsey and Donovan 613 times each in the first half. He mentioned Tim Howard once.
51st minute: Joe-Max Moore is mentioned.
62nd minute: This has been quite the game, but the constant blaring of “Proud to be an American” by Lee Greenwood has taken some shine off the proceedings.
73rd minute: Tim Howard scores again. What an overhead kick.
87th minute: Jurgen Klinnsman is a surprise guest in the commentary booth, talks of his intention to use Donovan and Dempsey in a 4-3-3 formation.
88th minute: Bob Bradley contemplates self-harm.
91st minute: Tim Howard beats 9 players and scores a 30 yard blast to seal the result. JP Dellacamera notes how Donovan’s movement created space for Howard, while demonstrating how Clint Dempsey failed to track back.
94th minute: Dempsey receives a call from the President, which he decides to take while standing just outside of the Everton 18-yard box. While telling the President about the best fishing spots in Texas, he blazes a shot on goal with one touch. Howard saves.
Postgame: Landon Donovan tearfully accepts “The Gatorade LDvCD Cup Brought To You By Soccer Wave,” a nine-foot tall bronze bust of himself and Dempsey locked in battle. Visibly emotional, he thanks “the one person without whose support he couldn’t have done it,” Bianca Kajlich. Tim Howard scores again.