QWK KCKS: Speed Up the Clock

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Written By Chris Azzopardi

QWK KCKS is our way of helping you get your day started with a refreshing blast of football culture right in your face.

Downtime

I’ve got nothing for an intro today. All of the big stories are fatiguing, the Euros have yet to start, and there’s only so many times you can write about an amateur team’s run in a knockout competition only a few of America’s clubs take seriously before you run out of things to say.

So, let’s not mess around today. Let’s just get to the links.

 

PHOTO: TICK TICK TICK TICK. CAN WE SPEED THIS UP A BIT? THINGS ARE A LITTLE BORING.

A clock counts down to Euro 2012 at the Spain national team headquarters in Gniewino, Poland. (Reuters)

 

::STICKS FINGERS IN EARS:: LA LA LA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!

Here are things that will most definitely really actually happen if the United States fails to qualify for Brazil 2014. Klaxons until your brain bleeds. And Wynalda. // The Other 87

 

SIX PERCENT SEEMS A LITTLE HIGH FOR A TEAM SURROUNDED BY SO MUCH DRAMA. ITALY, TOO.

Percentage odds for the Euros. All of those big slices of pie are making me hungry. Mmmm…Spanish pie. // Passport Soccer

 

THERE ARE SO MANY TASTELESS JOKES JUST SITTING OUT THERE. MUST…HOLD…BACK.

Here’s a collection of photos of FC United of Manchester (FCUM). // IBWM

 

PHOTO: REALLY, THERE’S NO BIGGER ‘THAT GUY’ THAN THIS GUY. PATRICK BATEMAN IS JEALOUS.

Cristiano waves before boarding the plane for Portugal’s flight to the European Championships. (Getty Images)

 

I’M SIMPLY STUNNED THAT PELE’S WORDS HAVE ALMOST ZERO VALUE. OH WAIT, NO I’M NOT.

Pele said Neymar is better than Messi. Then Pele says Neymar struggled against Euro and Latin defenders. You know, the same defenders that can’t stop Messi from scoring eleventy billion goals. Hmm. // Dirty Tackle

 

THIS MAKES ME WONDER WHY WE HAVEN’T SEEN TEAM-BRANDED LINES OF DRESSES. UNTAPPED MARKET.

Four select WAGs wear color-coordinated dresses, make predictions, and just general look ridiculously attractive, thereby making you hate their husbands/boyfriends and their charmed existences. Oh, just me? Okay. // Futbolita

 

THE FA SHOULD TOTALLY INVITE RIO FERDINAND ALONG. JUST FOR SH*TS AND GIGGLES.

Despite being out injured, the Spanish FA invited Carles Puyol and David Villa along for the trip to Polkraine. Both politely declined. // Goal.com

 

PHOTO: YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND ADD ‘KING OF VIDEO GAMES’ TO HIS LIST OF TITLES.

Messi’s image hits the big screen at an EA Sports presentation for E3 in Los Angeles. (Getty Images)

 

THIS IS CALLED ‘KNOWING YOUR AUDIENCE.’ I’D SUGGEST CALLING IT ‘FOOTBALL’, THOUGH.

The Canadian synchronized swimming team is headed to the London Olympics with a secret weapon: soccer themed music. Okey dokey. // The Province

 

METHOD OF CHOICE: CRYSTAL BALL? SPECIAL GLASSES? DREAM TRANCE? THROWING BONES?

Now this is some long term forecasting: Predicting the world’s best players a full eight years from now. If it was me, I’d make up a name, say it was a 12-year old phenom in a club no one has ever heard of, and no one would be the wiser… // Bleacher Report

 

MY EURO PREPARATIONS INVOLVE READING UP ON THIS HISTORY OF EACH PARTICIPATING NATION. EUROPE IS OLD. REALLY, REALLY OLD.

I think I’ll skip ahead to the last 50 years or so. European history can’t be that complicated just in the last half-century, can it? Let’s see…Cold War…Soviet breakup…civil wars….economic turmoil…um, okay, let’s just stick with the football then. That should be easy enough. History is overrated anyway. Follow and like!

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