The United States of America played Canada in a game of soccer last night in front of a mostly conscious crowd at BBVA Compass Stadium in Houston, Texas. No goals were scored. The players that were on the field, only a few of whom would be there if both nations were putting forth their best efforts in a meaningful game, should be ashamed of themselves but probably aren’t. This particular game was so bad that it’s somewhat stunning the world did not cease to turn on its axis. We’re all damn lucky we’re still alive.
Here are selected clips of players doing things from the game, which under different circumstances might be called “highlights” of “action.” It could be risky simply to show them to you, and I recommend you have an adrenaline injection handy, but I’ve yet to receive word from the government that the recorded version of the game poses any legitimate risk.
If you’re still with me, and please don’t sue if you aren’t, let’s move on to the only real highlight of the night, this guy dancing in the stands.
Now that’s action.
It appears that the danger of the world simply collapsing from the sheer tedium of USA 0, Canada 0, was limited to the two-hour window in which they played. It’s also possible that the radius of the damage from the game only reached as far as Shreveport, though scientists are unsure. Several scientific papers argue that USA-Canada soccer matches and stop metronomes, and potentially hearts, through the transmission of high-definition television signals.
As we speak, a hastily convened panel made up of top men from both countries is meeting in a secret location near Niagra Falls to discuss the possibility of banning all future meetings of the Americans and the Canadians on the field of soccer. It would be for the best.
Oh, but only the men. The women can play each other all the time.
Sent from my bunker