Today At Oxford Sepp Blatter Denied He’s A White Cat-Stroking Bond Villain

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Written By Chris Azzopardi

How there’s not video of this on the internet yet, I don’t know. But today at the venerable University of Oxford, Sepp Blatter addressed the students at the Oxford Union. In his speech, Sepp addressed a host of pressing issues, like his birth and failed football career. He also took pains to tell the students of Oxford that FIFA doesn’t have anything against the UK, and that he himself is not a bond villain with henchman. Seriously.

Here’s the excerpt containing the Bond villain reference, from the FIFA website (pdf).

There are those who will tell you of the supposed sordid secrets that lie deep in our Bond villain headquarters in the hills above Zurich, where we apparently plot to exploit the unfortunate and the weak.

They would have you believe that I sit in my office with a sinister grin, gently stroking the chin of an expensive, white Persian cat as my terrible sidekicks scour the earth to force countries to host the World Cup and to hand over all of their money.

You might laugh.

It is strange how fantasy so easily becomes confused with fact.

And it feels almost absurd to have to say this.

But that is not who we are. Not FIFA. Not me.

-_-

This was a lot of the speech. Sepp claiming that he and his cronies are only in this business for the good of the game and imploring the young people in the audience not to believe everything they hear. Sepp does not have a sense of irony.

Earlier in the speech, Sepp declared that no, he is not a blood-sucking parasite, or the Godfather, thank you very much.

I expect you all might have an opinion of me, or of FIFA.

It is difficult to work at the top of any industry without people having their views, without making some enemies as well as friends.

And you will know for yourselves that our enemies often have the loudest voices.

I hope your education has taught you to have a healthy scepticism of what you hear and read.

I hope you have learned to recognise the vested interests, the bias and sometimes willful ignorance.

I hope you have learned to judge things on your own terms, knowledge and experience, to seek recognise the truth.

To walk the path less trod.

Perhaps you think you know who I am, what FIFA is, what we do.

Perhaps you think I am a ruthless parasite sucking the lifeblood out of the world and out of football!

The Godfather of the FIFA gravy train! An out-of-touch, heartless schmoozer!

There are not many names that the media haven’ t thrown at me in the last few years.

And I would be lying to you if it did not hurt, even if you know that it goes with the territory.

You would have to have a heart of stone for it not to hurt.

You ask yourself, what have I done? Why has it come to this?

Is FIFA to blame for everything? Are we not just a football organisation working for the good of the game? How did it come to this?

People like a scapegoat, of course, but how could things have become so twisted?

Guys, we’ve hurt Sepp. We should feel horrible. Or the opposite of that. Yeah, that’s the one.

After Sepp’s speech, he stuck around for a bit of Q&A. It didn’t go well.

Back to the Bond villain bunker in Zurich to stroke your white Persian, Mr. Blatter. Oh wait, Sepp isn’t a Bond villain. He’s much more than that.

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